


Lest We Forget.

by shannonsaid



Category: Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-08-20 09:52:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16553546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shannonsaid/pseuds/shannonsaid





	Lest We Forget.

His eyes narrowed as the redhead slid into the chair across from him like she belonged there.

"James," she spoke his name -

And it was his name. James Buchanan Barnes. Although everyone called him ‘Bucky.’ Well, almost everyone. The redhead called him ‘James.’ He was always ‘James’ to her. Even now, after decades of being apart, he was still ‘James.’

His gun clicked under the table and a smirk spread across her face. “Now, now, there’s no need for any of that.”

He felt the press of metal against his thigh and returned her smirk with one of his own. “Is that so, Natalia?”

A look of shock flashed across her otherwise impassive face. “You remember?” The pressure from the metal against his thigh lessened, but only slightly. “You remember us? Our time together? When I was young?”

"Yeah," he nodded, "I remember everything, Natalia. And you were the one good thing in all of it."

He could feel her heart race in her chest as if it was his own heart, and he had to swallow the lump in his throat. He hadn’t meant to speak so freely or give the illusion to a hope that didn’t exist in his world. He remembered her - all of her, every piece that she had given him and every piece he had given her - but that was where it had to end. He was lost and until he found himself there wasn’t any room for anything or anyone else.

"Natalia - "

"James," she sighed cutting him off, "you don’t have to do this alone."

A small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth at how well she still knew him after all this time.

She never failed to amaze him.

"You of all people should know that I do." He shook his head, "I’m a million different people at once and none of them at all. I don’t know where I begin or end." His eyes met hers, "I need to figure out who I am."

Her free hand reached across the table to touch his metal one causing him to flinch away from her. He may not have been able to feel the warmth of her hand, but her action made him uncomfortable. He wasn’t human and therefore didn’t deserve the comfort of one.

She pulled her hand back slowly. The hurt etched in the lines on her forehead. “I’ve been where you are, James. I’m still there sometimes.” She glanced down at the table where her hand had been moments ago, before glancing back up at him. “We’ve always been stronger together than we’ve ever been apart. Let me help you.”

He barked out a humorless laugh, “I was nothing but poison to you, Natalia. Had I not been put in stasis, I would’ve been your death.”

The wind blew her curls across her face. It was the same color of his dreams. Red. Blood red.

"James, you were the only choice I ever made back then. If it would’ve lead to my death, I would’ve accepted that end with a smile on my face." She pushed her hair from her face, "you made me human." She reached across the table again and this time her let her tangle her fingers in his metal ones. "Let me help you," she said again, "let Steve help you."

He yanked his hand out of hers at Steve’s name. “No. I can’t - he can’t - ” his voice was rough, as he tried to keep the emotion from his voice.

She took a deep breath, he imagined it was her way of keeping her emotions in check. “He’s searching for you and he’s going to find you.”

"No. He won’t."

"I did."

"Because I let you," he shook his head to stop her from interrupting. "You’re good, Natalia, you always have been, but I’ve always been better. You found me because I let you."

"Why?" Her voice was quiet, softer than a whisper.

"Because you know me. All of me. The good and the bad. You know about the lives I’ve saved and the ones I took. You know that the blood never really washes off, that it stays with you. On your hands. In your mind. Haunting your dreams and turning them into nightmares." He shook his again, his eyes traveling down to the table. "You didn’t come here looking to find the man you once knew. You came here looking for whatever version of him you found." His eyes were a swirl of emotion when they met hers again, "Steve wants to find Bucky. He wants to find the kid he grew up with. The one who fought his battles for him because he was too stupid and noble and would never run from a fight. And that Bucky doesn’t exist anymore. He hasn’t for a long time."

"Some part of you still is that boy from Brooklyn, James. Some part of you will always be that boy from Brooklyn. And maybe that is who Steve’s hoping to find, but you’re the idiot if you think who you are now really matters to Steve. Once Steve chooses to love you, he loves you, all of you, regardless of how tainted you may have become."

"It doesn’t sound like he’s changed much in 70 years," he smiled slightly before the smile slid from his face. "It’s not him I’m worried about - it’s me. I need to find a way to come to terms with the things I’ve done and having an emotional Captain America fluttering around me like a butterfly," he shook his head, "he can’t find me. Not yet."

He stood up suddenly. She was too much. They were too much. He wasn’t ready to be openly broken and he was nowhere close to being whole. He needed time. Time to figure what happened next. Time to figure out who he had been, who he was, and who he could be.

"You won’t find me again, Natalia, not until I’m ready for Steve to find me too, but I may find you." He stopped beside her chair, "Natalia," he said her name like it was his best kept secret.

"Goodbye, James," her voice was distant now - withdrawn - and she refused to look at him.

He gripped the sides of her chair and spun her around to look at him, “Natalia,” he said her name again, before crashing his lips against hers.

In less than a breath he was gone, leaving only the memory of the warmth of his lips against hers.


End file.
